Me, Myself and I: In Search of Validation

(Understandings on the couch of a psychotherapist)

by Ursula A. Falk

Have you ever observed that when in a conversation people enjoy the conversation most if the subject turns to them? People want to talk about themselves, their accomplishments, their aches and pains, their wonderful son, their talented daughter, their worthless son or daughter in law, their doctor, their significant other, their life experiences.

“I want to know who I really am,” forty eight year old Anna verbalized. “That is why I am here. I want you to help me find myself. My mother never told me the name of the woman who gave birth to me. She always covered up. Let me tell you about me. I have asked my mother time and again to give me a glimpse into my real self. I like myself a lot. After all I have good traits and don’t look bad at all. Wouldn’t you feel you’d like to know more about your birth parents if you were adopted? Yes, I had a good life so far. How do I know that my parents were not someone very important and maybe I missed a lot by not knowing them. Why is that so important to me? It’s because maybe then I’d get to know myself even better.”

II.

“Please help me to find myself,” emanated from the mouth of a troubled Danielle. I was always the one to do everything for my parents and yet they prefer my brother. What is it about me that caused this situation? For years he has lived out of town and whenever there was a problem with the folks he wasn’t here for them. When my mother fractured her leg it was me who drove her back and forth to the hospital. When Dad was alone I brought all of his meals to him. They expected all of these things from me. When they went to the airport it was me who drove them there. No one cared that I have four kids, a husband and a job. When Johnny comes to town once a year my Dad and Mom fall all over him. They tell him how much they miss him, how great he is and how proud they are of him. I’ll never be like that with my kids, not ever!”

III.

“My parents never loved me. Of the three daughters in the family I was the one left out of their thoughts, their caring. They sometimes said mean things to me like: ‘Clean your room’, while my sisters could get away with having theirs messy. Is there something wrong with me? Why do they act like this toward me? I’m already seventeen and I can’t do anything without telling them where I’m going, when I’ll be home and who I’m with. My mother is a control freak. She pushed me to get a job when I wanted to have fun. I’m a senior in high school and my friends do what they want. They don’t have to work if they don’t want to. My Dad hates me. He’s always yelling at me. He says he can’t understand why I’m so dumb when I have two smart parents like himself and my mother. He doesn’t like my looks either. He says my hair is all bunched up and I look like an old maid or a cleaning woman. He said they have scarves like I have tied around their heads. I don’t know why they're so mean to me - why, why? I want to move out, to leave and go out of town to college. They won’t give me the money for that. I’ll do it myself as soon as I graduate next June. I’ll get me my own apartment and work at some crumby job. That’s what I’ll do. So there! That will show them I can take care of myself and don’t need them!”

IV.

“Am I not worthy?” Joseph asked. “Am I not as good looking as my brothers and sisters? Thirty eight year old Joe looks quizzically at his therapist while he throws back his head organizing his straight blond hair. I tried out for a play at the downtown little theater. I was so good and looked the part that they advertised for. I’m six foot one inch tall, have a muscular body and absolutely know how to emote. They gave the part to a five foot ten inch jerk that can’t pronounce the English language nearly as well as I can. Why did they not give me what I deserve?”

“You tell me I should stay with my wife. We have been married for fourteen years and have two adorable children. A girl of ten and a boy of five. She won’t give me what I need. I believe husband and wife should be one. Whatever each needs should be given without question, with great happiness. They made vows, now let them carry those out. You ask what is it that I am not getting. For one – it’s the kind of sex that I need and that makes me happy. Yes, we do have sex once, twice sometimes more per week. That’s not what I mean. She doesn’t like me touching her all the time in the rear. She doesn’t like rear end sex – uh, I guess you call it anal sex. She doesn’t like to do some of the things that are different that I love. Just because I had an affair in Singapore when I was out of town for business doesn’t mean she should get so angry. She has to understand that I was away for a full week and needed to be loved. I don’t mean that phone call that came from her every night. I could have done without that. Yo Ji Ling gave me so much love. She stroked me and squeezed me in places of my body that made me feel like a man. Yes Jolene took me back but why did I tell her about Yo? I wanted to let her know just what I like. That is very important to me. Yes she is a good mother, keeps a clean house, is a good cook, never pushes me away but I need more. You know what I mean. A husband should be a wife’s first priority. Oh, yes of course so should a wife be a husband’s first. That is, if she deserves it. I earn the living for her and sometimes work ten hours a day. That should be enough. She doesn’t give me that which Yo gave me on those two nights in Singapore. She didn’t ask a thing from me. Right away she came to me the way I wanted and needed. I want Jolene to blend into me. You know what I mean. What’s wrong with having a little relaxation and really feeling good about yourself through the deeds of others. What they do for you. As I said before the wife should blend into me. She and I should be one body almost. You know what I mean? There shouldn’t be such a thing as her not liking the kind of love that I’m giving her. If she doesn’t then I know there is something wrong, something very wrong. Her being mad because Yo Ji Ling showed me the real thing is just selfishness on her part and she should be happy that this woman made me happy. She should make an effort to be more like her. If she can’t do that maybe we are wrong for each other. As I told you before she doesn’t give me and my needs priority. She chooses the children and her health number one when she owes me that spot. How can I change her to have her be what I love and need?”

VI.

“I give everything and get nothing in return. I’m always inviting people, giving them gifts, listening to their stupid stories and pay attention to their birthdays, their squealing brats and when we go out together I always let them choose the restaurant. Why is it always me? I’ve been so good all my life and what good does it do me. I’m always catering to my friends. I hate all of these people some of the time. They don’t really deserve my friendship. They are all using me. Just because they invited me last Saturday night doesn’t mean much. They waited until Thursday to call me. It was a last minute thing. They should have given me much more time. I believe I was a fill in for somebody else. You ask me how I know that. I can feel it. These kind of things happen to me all the time. I have strong intuition about such things. You ask whether I give my friends plenty of notice. It’s different with me. I sometimes have to call them in the last minute since I’m a very busy person and have too much to do. These people that call themselves friends of mine loaf around most of the day – well at least some of them do. They are not as thoughtful as me.”

VII.

“My son is too busy for me,” ninety year old Ruth declared. “He’s got time for everybody else, especially his nasty wife. He calls me from Binghamton once a week on Tuesdays when it’s convenient for him. He doesn’t visit on the holidays but always sometime afterwards. He has nothing to say to me and when I ask him to fix something that is broken he just looks at me. He’s secretive too – doesn’t tell me anything. What’s he afraid of? My younger son out in Nevada doesn’t bother with me at all. Once in a while, usually right before Xmas they’ll send me a little card, just so that I’ll give them a gift. I’m feeling so bad. I can’t see too well, my shoes don’t fit me because my feet are swollen and my dentist doesn’t know what he’s doing. Nobody has time for me – everything is always at their convenience. They are all so selfish. My younger one Jim was a screamer when he was a baby. I put up with all that and now look at him! My late husband was just like him. A useless piece of _ ! You know what I mean. My neighbor is so selfish too. The one that lives in the apartment next to mine. She has me taking out her garbage every Wednesday. I started it and now she expects it. Just because she had a heart attack and limps a little doesn’t mean she can’t take out her own filth. And if you think that’s bad you should see her apartment. It’s full of rubbish and smells of cigarette ashes. I’ve never had any fun in my life. From the time I was a little girl my mother had no use for me. My Dad was ok but he was always working. I was Daddy’s girl. It’s too bad he’s gone. As I said everybody I knew is just about gone and those that are around are always too busy to bother with me. They only do it when it’s convenient for them. Since I got rid of my car I’ll have to continue to see you here in my place. I thank you for coming but I really do need you to come over more often so we can talk. ”

VIII.

“My husband gave me a worthless engagement ring. I only wish I would have had it appraised before we got married two years ago,” twenty eight year old Rebecca mused. “If I had known it then I would have broken our engagement. This is symbolic of his whole personality. He is so cheap! He won’t buy me the mink coat that I have wanted all my life and now he gave me a cheap trinket for my birthday. Can you believe he bought a new microwave as my major gift? That he considers an appropriate present for my twenty eighth. I’ve had it with him and I told him so.”

In our culture so much emphasis is placed on material things and so much is placed on the “I” and the “Me”. To be truly “happy” we should follow the wisdom of our sages who guided us to look at the real satisfactions in our tour through life.

Hillel’s proverb is a lesson which must be taken seriously. “If I am not for myself, who will be for me ? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?”

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