Orthodox, Conservative, & Reform Families

Commentary by Dr. Gerhard Falk

        

The Jewish Family

The Decline of the American Jewish Family

“God blessed them and said to them: be fruitful  and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it …”(Genesis 1:28).

During the decade ending in 2020, the self-identified Jewish population in the United States dropped 5% to 4.9 million. If this continues, and it seems that there is no abatement in this statistic, the Jewish community in America will be so minuscule that it will have no further impact on American politics .

The overall American Jewish birthrate is 1.9 children for women 15 to 35. Excluding the ultra-orthodox , who have five or more children, the American Jewish birthrate is only 1.4. Moreover, only 13 percent of American Jews are 18 or younger.  American Jews have the lowest number of siblings.  Jews are on the average seven years older than other Americans. Only nine percent of Conservative women and 3 percent of Reform women are married by age 25.  Added to this disaster is the 72% intermarriage rate .

The traditional Jewish family exists today despite all these handicaps. Yet, before the 20th century, the European Jewish family held together because of the tremendous pressure placed on each family by the anti-Jewish hate they had to face each day.

Recently the Anglican Church published a book concerning Christian responsibility for the 1900 years of anti-Jewish teaching leading to the Holocaust . The Archbishop of Canterbury acknowledged that hatred of Jews was taught in churches and Christian society generally and led to the mass murder of 6 million Jews in the European gas ovens. The Roman Catholic Church and Protestant denominations have also acknowledged this guilt. It was therefore always necessary for Jewish families to protect their children and adults against this seemingly never-ending hatred. Therefore Jewish families sought to protect their children and adults by teaching them the 10 commandments as well as the celebration of the Sabbath . The teaching of Judaism was a means of shutting out the non-Jewish world of hate and persecution . 

This was the message by the greatest Jewish scholar in Eastern Europe . Israel Meir Kagan (1882-1933) wrote a book entitled Chofetz Chayim or Delight in Life. He became a role model by this book teaching the Jews to avoid all slander and invective and to remember the 10th commandment.

The Immigration of Eastern European Jews to the United States

     Prior to World War II almost all of the Eastern European Jews who had come to the United States after 1890 were poor uneducated laborers. Their families were patriarchal and three generational, as grandparents were included. They were home oriented, pious, and devoted to study the Torah , the Talmud , and Jewish theology .

 After the Second World War , a gradual climb of the American Jewish community to wealth and education began. It was then that many Jews moved to the suburbs and participated with other Americans in the conformity and materialism, common in suburbia. Jewish congregations then built synagogues in the suburbs and began to celebrate lifecycle events in a rather vulgar and exaggerated manner. This was particularly true of bar mitzvahs (Son of the Commandments) or bat mitzvahs (Daughter of the Commandments), which had been solemn religious ceremonies but now became exhibitions of the father’s wealth and economic success. An example of a bat mitzvah party was advertised by the A B and C Parties and More Co., one of the many enterprises devoted to the entertainment of 13-year-olds. This particular bat mitzvah party had a circus theme. It was held at the Plaza Hotel in New York , where the ballroom  was transformed into a circus big top with the bat mitzvah girl dressed in a jacket worn  by Britney Spears, together with a top hat and fishnet stockings. There was lavender with purple lights hanging from the vaulted ceiling. Vases with violet orchids and roses bloomed on crystal covered tables. A troupe of entertainers with French names amused 400 guests. The child for whom these expenses were incurred learned nothing of her Jewish heritage that day, making her bat mitzvah a vulgar display, devoid of Judaism’s teachings.

It is of course evident that the bar mitzvah could be celebrated in the synagogue or at home, thereby confining the celebration to its religious origins without a football theme and the appearance of professional football players paid for the occasion. Bar mitzvahs feature singing YMCA and other mindless entertainment. The principal effort displayed by these bar mitzvahs is to exhibit financial success .  The conversion of the bar mitzvah from a religious ceremony to a “three ring circus” has led to the commercialization of bar mitzvah parties organized by business interests such as that developed by the so-called “Bar Mitzvah Queen of New York .” While at one time bar mitzvah celebrations included a muted gathering for adults and a separate party for children to play, now parties are for all generations and are based on so-called themes such as football, hockey, or basketball, accompanied by loud so-called  “music.” These themes have no connection to Judaism. The music is usually loud for the sake of noise and the dancing is reminiscent of commercial ballrooms and other “pick up” places. Part of the entertainment consists of having the family act in “movies.” Popular TV shows are also imitated and the family is called to produce these films, which are shown to the bar mitzvah guests. These bar mitzvah parties usually are  produced in hotel ballrooms, which are decorated in the most bizarre  fashion. Entertainment may include casino tables and celebrity performers. The bar mitzvahs cost from $80,000  to  $150,000.

     These displays show that, unlike established upper-class non-Jewish Americans, Jews are still insecure in American society despite their achievements. There are of course many American Jews who continue to view bar/bat mitzvahs as religious events and who do not indulge in any stupid and barbaric exhibitions.

 Sociology teaches that it may take several generations for the descendants of immigrants to feel at home in the American environment. This is called acculturation and accommodation, which at least some  American Jews have finally attained in the 21st century.

Although there are some very wealthy Jews in this country, in the 21st century most American Jews belong to the middle or upper middle class . It has been observed that the religion most practiced by American Jews has been American freedom, democracy, openness, and unprecedented opportunities. As religious affiliation has declined among American Jews, this shift from Orthodox observance to secular values has led some observers to claim the Judaism is likely to disappear entirely from the United States, or be limited to a few Orthodox enclaves.

Jewish Philanthropy

What is left of the Jewish religion is usually expressed in the form of philanthropy rather than adherence to theology. The American Jewish community in the 21st century is wealthy if compared to earlier generations. There are however still a good number of poor Jews who are seldom recognized or identified.  

Beginning around 1925 some Jewish immigrants and many of their native born children moved from the slum areas of the big cities into wealthier suburbs , where they encountered the American middle  class . This was an opportunity to live in a more spacious apartment or house than in a slum, as was most common on the Lower East Side of Manhattan and similar places in American cities. This was this first step in horizontal mobility undertaken by American Jews .

In the 1930’s almost all American Jews , other than the German Jews of the 19th century, came from blue-collar workers or from homes whose fathers owned small businesses.

These Jews continued to attend the same Orthodox synagogues known to their parents and grandparents. Yet attendance by second-generation American Jews at religious services began to be sporadic, as many Orthodox beliefs were challenged by American-born Jews .

Those Jews who were married in the 1940’s and 1950’s were interested in Conservative Judaism because it allowed individual choices concerning many of the orthodox rituals without  abandoning  tradition as did Reform Judaism , which was brought to the United States by German Jews . Reform Judaism had been brought to the United States by German Jewish immigrants in the nineteenth century. German Reform resembled American Conservatism but became much more radical in the United States.  Both Conservative and Reform Judaism allowed women to participate equally in the religious rituals, thereby reducing the all male religious dominations and creating a pattern of female liberation within the family. Furthermore, Conservative and Reform Judaism encouraged women to attend colleges and reduce and/or eliminate their erstwhile dependence on the income of men.

In mid-twentieth century the America Jewish family became smaller. Both the decline in the birth rate but also the reduction of the three generation family to two generations created the opportunities for vertical and horizontal mobility , which became universal in the twenty-first century.

     Thus in the 1950’s Jewish men and some women were becoming teachers, white collar clerks and salespeople. Moreover, the Jewish birthrate began to decline in the 1940’s and 1950’s. By 1923 Fifty percent of American Jews produced two or fewer children and by 1940 American Jews had become more successful than any other immigrant  group.

Family Stress among American Jews

     As their material success increased, American Jews placed less importance on families. They were then more willing to leave home and live independently. This means that those American values such as financial and professional success helped in weakening the family ties which were the solid foundation of immigrant life.  

Likewise synagogue life changed as wealth increased and women became more active and more accepted as leaders among all Americans, including Jews. By 1990, women had become synagogue officers, major donors, and decision makers. The National Jewish Population Survey of 1990 showed that by then the most common Jewish household consisted of one person living alone . The next most common was two adults, and third was a household of two adults with at least  one child under 18 living at home.                                               `

Jewish birthrates are extraordinary low. In 1990, 93% of Jewish women 18-24 had not yet had children . As a result the replacement level among Jews is too low to create a next generation large enough to guarantee the perpetuation of American Judaism.

The high intermarriage rate of American Jews compounds the problem of perpetuating Judaism. That rate is now (2020) about 72%, so that the overall intermarriage rate for Jews of all ages is about 55%. This development is related to the acceptance of America Jews as marriage partners by non-Jews, as the erstwhile opposition by non-Jews concerning marriage of their children to Jews has declined considerably. Moreover, Jewish-Christian intermarriages are now subject to dual identification, in that both Christian and Jewish symbols are prevalent in such households. Thus, a Christmas tree and a Menorah may both be present.

Divorce

    Divorce was once very rare among Jews and was viewed as a scandal. American divorce in general has increased and become as common as one parent families . In 2019, eighteen to nineteen divorces were recorded for every 100 Jewish marriages. Therefore one third of Jewish children live in homes touched by divorce. These divorces often involve the grandparents of children from divorced mothers who may need to work to support themselves and their children despite the obligation of fathers to continue the support of children after divorce.

The American Jewish family is further fragmented by the upper middle class obsession with college . About 80% of Jewish adolescent high school graduates go to college. Many leave the parental home to go to a college out of town. A considerable number never return to live in their hometowns because they find jobs elsewhere or marry someone in a faraway state.  Older adults, both Jewish and not Jewish, have moved from New York and other northern states in large numbers and have settled in Florida, Arizona, and California.

Those who have moved from the northeastern states to the south are often grandparents who need to adjust to grandchildren who are not Jewish.

Grandparents have become important in the Jewish and non-Jewish American family because three out of every five mothers are working. Nearly 40% of Jewish women are professionals . It is important to remember that even in the European Jewish family, many women worked outside the home, albeit they were not college educated but sold goods from pushcarts. This was also true of Jewish immigrants to America.

Both in Eastern Europe and in America, an orthodox Jewish man studied the Talmud while the wife had to earn enough to insure the survival of the family. In the twenty-first century the number of married men who study while the wife works is minimal but it does exist.

Substance Abuse

In the 1970’s and since then domestic violence and incest were first visible in Jewish American families. Even alcoholism and other substance abuse which was once absent from Jewish families is now also a Jewish problem. This is most likely the result of the high intermarriage rate . This is also related to the so-called “liberal ” orientation of most American colleges. Since a majority of Jewish high school graduates attend colleges, the “liberal” values of these institutions become Jewish values. This development leads to the observation that in the 21st century the American Jewish family resembles non-Jews. The American upper middle class families are different than their ancestors of 100 years ago. Because of intermarriage, the children and grandchildren of these intermarried families sever their connection with the Jewish people.  This development was already visible in the mid twentieth century when, according to Herberg, Judaism was no longer considered marginal to American society.

This meant that Judaism became part of the American religious tradition , as the media now spoke of “Judeo-Christian” ethics as the most important American values . This was expressed by the construction of palatial synagogues , many of which were hardly used by the Reform and Reconstruction movements, but served as announcements that Jews had arrived socially and were now part of the American community . This had become true despite the small numbers of American Jews who, at only 1.7%, were now viewed as one third of the American religious landscape .

Horizontal and Vertical Mobility

After most Jews had moved from the city ghettoes to the suburbs , the distance between the synagogue and the family home increased dramatically. It was no longer possible for most Jewish families to walk to a nearby sanctuary. Now it became necessary to drive some distance to get to Friday night or Saturday morning “services.” The diffusion of Jewish families in the suburbs resulted in a diluted Jewish identity. This means that Jews were living in areas where most people were not Jews, as had not been true in the ghettoes of the big cities. Jewish newspapers were not sold in the local stores and kosher food was not in evidence.

Most Jewish parents who moved from the inner city Jewish neighborhoods to the suburbs claimed that they did so for the sake of their children , whose vertical mobility into American society was very important to them. These parents did give their children a Jewish education until bar/bat mitzvah but discontinued such Jewish learning thereafter.

Once the Jewish families had moved to the suburbs , many women now assumed responsibility for tasks which had previously been the sole province of men.  Women now chose the schools children were to attend, they chose the family synagogue, and, most important, chose the neighborhood in which to  live. The final result of moving to the suburbs was the loosening of ties to the older immigrant generations and a remarkable increase in both vertical and horizontal mobility of all subsequent Jewish families. All this was true of the nineteen fifties.  Yet, more was still to come in the next two decades.

Prior to the movement to the suburbs , the obligations of family members to one another were considerable and permanent. Now women become decision makers in Jewish organizations including the synagogues as well as such community associations as the Jewish Federation . This meant that women were finally able to escape family obligations only. By the 1960s Jewish women became dominant in the Jewish community.

At the end of the 20th century it had become evident that the Jewish family had become much smaller than ever before, not only because of the low birthrate and the number of single adults but also because of the immense  horizontal mobility of so many American Jews that it was not a sensation if grandchildren did not know the grandparents living in the same city. By 2020 the vast majority of the American Jewish families were distributed all over the United States, so that children no longer know their grandparents or other family members, whom they see on such occasions as bar mitzvahs , weddings, and funerals.

Change in the American Jewish Family

After 1980 the American Jewish family changed considerably. It is of course true that change has always been part of Jewish life. However, these most recent changes dethroned men who were in charge of finances and were the final authority of the family. In the forty years ending in 2020, women have become ascendant in the American Jewish family as they have gained college educations and considerable incomes. In the course of many years, legal changes have given women more and more rights. Significant are the Married Women’s Property Acts . Prior to these Acts, women’s property belonged to their husbands and women could not sue nor be sued. In short, before the 1880s the family was defined by the father and husband.

Childhood too changed a great deal by reason of legal changes. After 1920, all American states had compulsory school laws . Furthermore, children    no longer went to work in dangerous jobs, if at all.

Consequently, ideas about marriage and the family changed as choice, companionship, and romance took the place of arranged marriages by marriage brokers.

As marriage changed so did divorce . Although the divorce rate among Americans Jews or non-Jews is about 50%, it was far lower in the 20th century and before because it was very expensive and unpopular.

Beginning around 1970 more and more children became so-called latchkey children , who came home alone after school when both father and mother were working and the children were alone at home. Even pre-school children are affected by the employment of mothers . Three out of four Jewish mothers of small children work and place their children into nurseries or hire babysitters while they work.

As birth control and female employment increased, the America Jewish family and all Americans experienced rising divorce rates and declining marriage and birth rates. By 2007 nearly 40% of American children were born to unmarried mothers , although this was far less among Jews than in the general population.

By 2020 divorce has reached 50%, of whom a majority remarry. As a result, less han 15% of American families reflected the older model of father working and mother staying at home with natural children , all living together. The largest contingents of Jews are widowed, always single, divorced, remarried, and earning a dual income .

Assimilation and Amalgamation

American Jews have become so assimilated to American lifestyles that in the 21st century being single is as common among Jews as among other Americans.  Childbirth is therefore avoided altogether or limited to one or two children among the married. This is largely related to the amount of education of Jewish couples . The more education, the fewer children. Orthodox Jews are the exception to these trends.

     This low birthrate has already led to a decline in the proportion of American voters who support Jewish interests such as the security of Israel . Furthermore, politicians such as Bernard Sanders of Vermont, a man of Jewish birth, now support  Arab antagonism to Israel’s very existence together with attacks on American Jews sponsored by Arab politicians in the U.S. Congress. Furthermore, a smaller Jewish community will be less able to help Jews living in countries like Hungary and Romania who are victims of government organized anti Jewish conduct.

Intermarriage and the Decline in the Jewish Population

The high intermarriage rate also weakens the Jewish community, particularly as children of intermarried parents will be    strongly influenced by non-Jewish grandparents to celebrate Christmas together with their non-Jewish mothers or fathers.

Because of the high intermarriage rate , the Jewish family has also been confronted with a problem that was at one time foreign to the Jewish community. That problem in alcoholism . Many Jews are related to non-Jews who drink too much alcohol and are therefore addicted alcoholics. Their Jewish children are far more likely to also consume too much alcohol. That was not true when Snyder wrote Alcohol and the Jews in 1958. His findings were that Ameicans of Irish descent were fifty times more numerous among admissions to drunk wards in New York hospitals than was true of Jews, and that this was true of Scandinavians, who drank fifteen times in excess of Jews. According to Snyder, drunks were ten times as numerous among Italians, nine times as numerous among the English, and eight times as numerous among the Germans than among the Jews. In short, Jews were at one time the most sober of all American ethnics . The low rate of alcoholism among Jews has been attributed to the religious significance of wine among Jews. Jews drink wine to welcome the Sabbath on Friday night and to welcome their Holy Days at other times. Alcohol is not seen as a means of soothing one’s emotional pains or dealing with disappointments, rejections, illness, and death. Instead, alcohol among Jews is seen as a blessing from God, as Jews pray over wine and recite, “Blessed are You. Lord, Our God,  King of the Universe, Creator of the Fruit of the Vine.”

     This distinct religious symbolism protects Jews from giving alcohol powers that are attributed to it by non-Jews.

Alcohol and Violence in the Jewish Family

Alcohol addiction is related to domestic violence . Therefore, as Jewish alcoholism has increased, so has domestic violence, which has become a serious and destructive force among Jews. The fact is that family violence is a Jewish issue in the 21st century.

An extreme example of Jewish domestic violence concerns a Jewish woman college student who was dating a Jewish fraternity brother. Not long after they dated several times, this man began hitting her. She severed the relationship after going to counseling. Then the same man began dating this student’s  sorority sister. She warned her to stay away from this man but the girl did not listen until the boyfriend killed her.  

Numerous dating relationships are abusive. Fifty-seven percent of high school and college students have been in such relationships or know someone who has been abused while dating .

Domestic violence abusers seek power and control over their partners by financial, psychological, or physical means. These abusers use threats, humiliation, intimidation, coercion, and abandonment to gain control.  Domestic violence also includes child abuse . It has been estimated that one in fifteen children are beaten and otherwise abused at home. Furthermore, ninety percent of children in abusive homes are witnesses to adult violence between parents. Domestic violence occurs in Jewish homes in the same amount as in the general American population , i.e. 15 to 25 percent.

One aspect of domestic violence is to blame the victim . This consists of claiming that the victim spends too much money, or is flirting or even sexually involved with someone else even when there is no evidence for such a claim.

     The disintegration of the American Jewish family is further enhanced by horizontal or geographic mobility and vertical or social mobility . These drives to abandon the family is related to the obsession among upper middle class families to send their eighteen year old high school graduates to an out of town college.  Indeed there are those who learn a useful occupation during four years. There are nevertheless some who enter so-called “party schools ” whose purpose is not academic. In such colleges students learn little but “party” every night. For example,  a student at San Francisco State University was so drunk one night that he attempted to enter an apartment not his own. The tenant inside believed he was subject to a home invasion and shot the student, who died.

A girl at another university drank to excess and then drove home.  She drove into a ditch when her car door opened and she fell out with the car falling on top of her. She was found dead in the ditch the next morning.

A drunk male student climbed on a water tower and promptly fell to his death from that great height. There are innumerable other such events occurring every school year in American colleges and universities.

Devon Arnold, 22, was found dead along a railroad track. Arnold was a student at Colorado State University studying mechanical engineering. He attended a game in the company of his fraternity brothers and other students when he disappeared. He had left his companions several times and finally did not return to his seat. It appears that Devon Arnold committed suicide after jumping on a train. Arnold was extremely intoxicated and was asked to leave the auditorium for that reason. He was hit by an oncoming train. His body was later found by a railroad employee.

Twenty year old University of Minnesota student Dylan Fulton died on September 12, 2018, in a fraternity house near the campus of the university. The cause of death was asphyxia with aspiration. At once the national organization of Alpha Gamma Rho suspended the University of Minnesota’s chapter. Fulton was a sophomore majoring in animal science. His death was also related to ethanol intoxication. Fulton was a sophomore.

These cases demonstrate that the alcohol culture in the United States is threatening millions of Americans who have learned that the ordinary pressures of everyday life cannot be faced nor resisted in a sober and rational manner.  Jewish families were and still are the support needed to deal with daily problems experienced by everyone. However, as the Jewish family breaks up and becomes scattered all over the country, they face their problems alone. Then Jews also drink to excess, and also use drugs . As the Jewish family is no longer in a position to help, Jews behave like other Americans and suffer the same consequences.

In any event, many college students who have spent four years elsewhere do not return to their parental home but remain in a faraway state where they found a job and/or where they married. As time goes by, the children of these former adolescents now grow up not knowing their grandparents. Then the next generation repeats this conduct and the family, Jewish or not, is no more. Few Jewish senior citizens have all their children in town, and many seldom see their adult children.

For example, two Jewish grandparents in their eighties have three sons. One lives nearby and is married to a Catholic wife who has raised their two children as Catholics. Another son lives in Oregon, three thousand miles from New York where he was born, and his brother lives in Maine. Only one son married Jewish.

Another Jewish senior couple have four children . Not one lives near them. Their daughter is married to a lesbian woman in California, although her parents live in an east coast city. One son lives in South Carolina where he married a man, and another lives in Las Vegas , Nevada, with his family. The fourth son live in New York City, far from his parents, who now entered a home for the aged. They cannot drive anymore and are confined to that home, seldom seeing visitors.

A widower lives alone in a nursing home in the midwest. His only son lives in Atlanta, Georgia, his one daughter lives in California, and his other daughter lives in  New Jersey.  No one visits him except on rare occasions.

The Future of the American Jewish Family

According to Alan Dershowitz , the greatest threat to the survival of the American Jewish family is individual Jewish success. He wrote that Jewish history is the history of unending persecution and victimization and that now the American population “would kill us with kindness.” This includes marrying Jews and  electing Jews to political offices.

It also means assimilating Jews to become as addicted to drugs and alcohol as all other Americans. Dershowitz discusses the so-called “tzores” (troubles) theory of Jewish survival, which holds that Judaism survives only when Jews are maltreated and marginalized. Although anti-Jewish haters shoot at synagogues and deny the Holocaust , these people are viewed as criminal outsiders in the United States and do not have the political power they had in Europe. Dershowitz lists a number of changes American Jews could make in order to insure survival in America. He includes more openness to converts, welcoming non-Jewish spouses in intermarriages , and supporting secular Judaism.

Supporting lay Jewish “leaders” other than rabbis is another of Dershowitz’s suggestions.  He also advocates including non-Jewish students in Jewish day schools and teaching Judaism to Christians. Ellen Jaffe McClain, a Jewish woman married to a Christian, wrote Embracing the Stranger. She claims that Jewish men believe that Jewish women are utterly materialistic and will marry only doctors, lawyers, and wealthy businessmen. She writes that Jewish women believe Jewish men are arrogant and unwilling to be compliant and both authors write that Jewish men believe that Jewish women are not as “sexy as  shickses ” (Shickse refers to a non-Jewish woman). 

 Both authors are unconvincing. The American Jewish family  is gradually leaving Reform, Conservative, and Reconstruction, so that by 2050 a more liberal orthodox Judaism will be the only form  of Jewish religious observance.

Shalom u'vracha.

Dr. Gerhard Falk is the author of numerous publications, including 30 books and 45 journal articles.

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