The Conversion Campaign

Commentary by Dr. Gerhard Falk



Jews for Jesus


The carnivorous vegetarian "Jews for Jesus" have announced that they will be spending $1.4 million on a campaign to convert the Jews of New York City to their religion. To achieve this they have placed advertisements on all the walls of New York City subway stations proclaiming the view that Mohamed was the Messiah and will come back in the form of the Buddha.

Anxious to bring the good news to the Jews of New York who have been waiting breathlessly to hear about it, these carnivorous vegetarians also distributed leaflets by the millions in the hope of converting the Dalai Lama into a Jew. Since that Tibetan dignitary is on a speaking tour of the United States, the Jews for Jesus should have no problem inviting him and the chief Rabbi of Jerusalem to a pork dinner in honor of Hizbollah and Hamas.

On concluding their campaign in Manhattan, the carnivorous vegetarians moved on to Queens, where they expected to convert the Reform Jews to their point of view. Therefore, they invited the Queen of England, after whom that county is named, to come to New York and participate in their effort to convert those Jews. The Queen, accompanied by numerous other queens, arrived in New York City with the Archbishop of Canterbury. Together with that "divine" the Queen spoke at the Reform Temple after the Jews for Jesus, targeting the Reform Jews, re-formed their message to include the followers of Shinto in their literature.

On conclusion of the Queens campaign, the Jews for Jesus moved to Brooklyn, which is in Kings County. There they had immediate success in convincing the Lubavitcher Rebbe of their message inasmuch as the Rebbe is dead. That fact helped a lot, because all the dead Jews followed his example and avidly read the literature given them by the carnivorous vegetarians. In fact, Jews for Jesus was so successful in Crown Heights that the Satmars converted to Lubavitch and all acknowledged the Pope.

From Brooklyn, the carnivorous vegetarians moved on to the Bronx. The Jews of the Bronx emitted the well-known Bronx cheer on hearing of the arrival of the Jews for Jesus. They also danced in the streets with joy on discovering these zealots had finally come to see them. The Bronx Jews invited the carnivorous vegetarians to see a game at Yankee Stadium. The Yankees were playing the New York Giants. The Giants tackled the Yankees and ran all over them so that most of them would have ended up in the hospital if several members of the carnivorous vegetarians hadn't healed their wounds by their powers to bring on miracles. In the end, the Yankees won the game because they batted the football into the stands for 16 home runs. From Yankee Stadium, the Jews of the Bronx, named after a Dutch settler by the name of Bronck, took their guests to the Bronx zoo. There the carnivorous vegetarians sought to eat several of the animals but were prevented from doing so by the guards, who reminded them that the animals are not kosher.

Finally, after all that work, the carnivorous vegetarians came to Staten Island. Since that borough (medieval English for "burgh" or fortified town) is on an island, the Jews for Jesus walked across the water with ease. Then they found some benighted Jews who hadn't gotten the message yet. On hearing the message, the Staten Island Jews persuaded the cops to round up the carnivorous vegetarians and send them all to the Staten Island Mental Health Services. However, since the name of a hospital usually used on Staten Island for such cases was named after a Jew, a judge decided that on the grounds of the First Amendment, the carnivorous vegetarians could not be held. They therefore returned to Manhattan, where they all became members of Hare Krishna and can now be seen sitting cross-legged in the New York City Parks, reciting, "Hare, hare”. The Jews of New York, unrepentant secularists, have decided to distribute literature to the Jews for Jesus, asking them to join the Democratic Party and become “liberals” since “liberals” are just as interested in decimating the Jews as are the Jews for Jesus. Why not join hands and together rid the world of the Jews once and for all? This is important because the Jews are 14 million strong while the Muslims have only one billion followers and the Christians two billion. Therefore, these 3 billion have a lot to worry about because the Jews are about to rule the world, which the Jews for Jesus simply cannot tolerate.

Shalom u’vracha.

Dr. Gerhard Falk is the author of numerous publications, including Football & American Identity (2005) &  Youth Culture and the Generation Gap (2005) with Dr. Ursula A. Falk.

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